Barsexuality is the new black.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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