Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
