Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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