Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
