yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
