Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
