So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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