I feel great
I just peed on a car
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
