you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
