Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
