I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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