I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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