A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
