she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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