Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
