I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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