Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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