she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
