Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
