Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
