meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
