'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
