The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
