I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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