mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
