i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
