His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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