I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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