I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
