Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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