Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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