Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
