the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
