So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
