i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
