bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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