so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
