My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
