when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
