My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
