Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
