I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
porn star boner night. come get it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
