I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
