At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
