That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
