i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
