Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
