Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
