i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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