I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
